Divorce Rich with Jacki Roessler, CDFA

Teenagers and Divorce: The Hardcore Truth with Sarah Kuretzky Rossington

• Season 2 • Episode 12

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When a family splits, teens often look “fine” on the surface—grades steady, activities unchanged—while carrying a storm of fear, anger, and confusion underneath. We sit down with mental health pro Sarah Kuretzky Rossington to unpack how divorce impacts identity formation, autonomy, and early relationships, and why older kids shouldn’t be left to figure it out alone.

We get practical about support that actually works. Sarah explains why narrative therapy helps teens make sense of their story without shame, how a light Internal Family Systems framework validates conflicting emotions, and why DBT skills like distress tolerance, opposite action, and interpersonal effectiveness can calm reactivity in high-conflict homes. We also break down how to choose the right therapist for adolescents and college-age kids, the value of parent coaching, and how to run joint sessions that improve communication without turning your teen into a mediator.

Social media takes center stage as we examine comparison spirals, image management, risky DMs, and algorithm-driven content that can fuel anxiety, disordered eating, and isolation. 



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SPEAKER_03:

Welcome to the Divorce Rich Podcast. I'm your host, Jackie Ressler. I've been a certified divorce financial analyst for 28 years, helping clients and their attorneys navigate the often complex and confusing financial issues in divorce. If you're in the process of or considering divorce, now is the time for you to take a deep breath and give yourself permission to find clarity on the financial issues you're facing. Rich means many things to many people. I believe the best definition of being rich is someone who has access to many resources. Along with my guests on this podcast, I will be bringing you a wide variety of information so that you can make sound and informed financial decisions for your financial future. Hey, if you're recently divorced or still in the middle of it, you already know that life can feel like it's been turned upside down. And let's be honest, the financial part, it's overwhelming, confusing, and often the last thing you want to deal with. That's why I want to tell you about the independent wealth management team at Center for Financial Planning. Their team of certified financial planners specializes in helping people just like you navigate life changes with confidence. Whether it's assessing your new financial circumstances, creating or updating your retirement plan, or helping you adjust to the new normal. They'll work with you to get a clear, customized plan to feel in control and move forward with confidence. So if you're interested in working with a financial planner who you can trust to have your best interests in mind and you're ready to take the next step, visit centerfinplan.com. That's centerfinplan.com and schedule a conversation. Center for Financial Planning.

SPEAKER_00:

Live your plan. Disclosure. Securities offered through Raymond James Financial Services, Inc., member FENBRET, SIPC. Investment Advisory Services offered through Center for Financial Planning, Inc. Center for Financial Planning Inc. is not a registered broker dealer and is independent of Raymond James Financial Services. Center for Financial Planning was a sponsor of the Divorce Rich Podcast. The Center for Financial Planning and Raymond James are not affiliated with or endorsed by the Divorce Rich Podcast.

SPEAKER_03:

Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Divorce Rich Podcast. Today we're talking about a topic that I think is incredibly neglected. The topic that we're going to be discussing today is talking about working with and helping supporting teenagers who have parents that are divorced or divorcing and how that's different than small children and what parents need to be aware of. I'm joined today with Sarah Keretsky Rossington, who is a mental health professional. She is national board certified and she is 100% virtual. So for any of our listeners in different states, it doesn't matter where you live, Sarah would be available to help you. And I'm going to have all of her contact information in our show notes. So welcome, Sarah. Thanks, Jackie. It's so nice to see you. Yes, it's nice to see you again. I'm really happy to have you on the podcast again. Um, we are going to be talking about divorce recovery for teens. Um, tell me a little bit about why this, do you think, a neglected conversation?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I think it's I think when we think about divorce and we think about divorcing with kids, we're always focusing on younger kids. And I think that teens are kind of in this in-between group where they're too old to be coddled, but too young to have adult coping skills. And so their grief is kind of minimized because like everyone's like, they're resilient, they will adjust adjust, they'll be okay. And I think that's um, they're overlooked because they're seen as independent. Okay. But I have done some research and I've seen that um there's deep identity ruptures when this happens. And I think that parents see them still as highly functioning because they can keep their grades up, they're still doing their activities, they still have a social life, but they're internally suppressing like fear, anger, and confusion. And this is also happening when we're having like these key developmental windows that happen. So identity formation, autonomy, peer belonging, um, emotional follow-up can shape adult relationships. And this is a pivotal time because sometimes this is when kids are getting into their first relationship. And if divorce is happening during that time, their kind of their idea of what marriage is or what relationships are gets shattered and how to work through them. Okay. So what age group are we, what age group are you including in this? I'm really thinking any kid, really, I would say eighth grade to college age.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. All right. And then um that's a good point that we don't think about our college-age kids. And I know that I run across this when I'm working with divorcing clients and we're talking about what the courts consider. And the courts don't consider anyone who's not a minor who is 18 or has, you know, if the or 18 or graduated from high school. Right. The court doesn't take that into consideration for financial purposes. You know, the court doesn't have any jurisdiction over those kids, but it does impact them.

SPEAKER_02:

100%. And I think, again, because we're so focused on kids having like their life and they're doing their thing and they're, you know, they're with their friends and you know, they're going to college and they're doing well and all this. But like, think about just coming home, and home is just so different than it was, you know, for that those 18 years of life. And and I'm I don't think it's a reason to stay married if you're not in a marriage. That's a good caveat to put out there. Yeah. Want to put that out there because I do a lot of work with people who are going through divorce. Um, but I think it's important to have conversations and make sure that your kids are getting the support that they need.

SPEAKER_03:

So what are some kind what are some of the support interventions that do work for teenagers?

SPEAKER_02:

So, I mean, I like I am really anti-group therapy for most teens because they are like, oh my God, this is the worst, to be honest, unless it's something very specific that they want to do, right? So if we're talking about kids with eating disorders, if we're talking about kids with um, you know, gender identity, those groups do do quite well. I think when we're looking at divorce groups, kids don't think that their story is the same as somebody else's. So I actually don't typically recommend divorce groups. So I just want to be really clear about that. Some people will, but it's not something that I think has worked and I has worked with with kids that I've worked with. Okay. I I think that there are mental health interventions that work. So if I was a parent, I am a parent, obviously. You know that. But if my children were going through me being divorced at this time, I would be looking for really specific kinds of therapists that work with this age group because I think that there are different therapists who do really well with young children to teenage age, like to about 13. And I think there are people who do really well with teenage, young college um clients. So like that's kind of the differentiation. So I think that um kids having like a narrative therapy is a really helpful thing because they can kind of re reconstruct the story um of what it is outside of a kit of divorce. Another thing is is like I like to call it um IFS life. So like it's internal family systems as a type of modality in therapy. Um, but it's like kind of light because you don't want to get into like like the whole family tree and how the dynamic dynamics work and stuff like that. And you actually typically when you do IFS, like other people are there. Um, but this helps multiple um validate multiple feelings um that can exist without being wrong. So like family therapy, is that what no, no, no. I it's just like giving them this kind of framework. I don't I mean, do I think family therapy is good when kids are going through divorce? Yeah, I do. I think it's great. I mean, that's that's my bread and butter people. So I do think it, I do think it's a good thing because I think that kids need a safe place to ask questions. And also when I do an internal family system work with families, I will meet with parents separately, I will meet with children separately, and then I will meet with them all together. Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

And it's not so this is the layperson's question because I don't know anything about mental health. And I mean, I I know plenty about mental health, but I don't know from the professional standpoint. So the therapist would assess what the best form of therapy is, right? Or can parents say, I I want to do internal family. Yeah, I mean, you can look for a therapist who does that.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. So I think it's important, like, you know, um, psychology today, like you can look up people's profiles and it will say what kind of therapies they do. Right. If you have a therapist who does not typically like maybe you really have your own therapist and you really like them, but they don't work with family, that is not part of their scope. It's probably a good idea to find someone who is willing to do that, has some experience in that. Um, and and is because working with multiple people in a room, you have to have a very different personality than someone who's doing one-on-one therap therapy. Absolutely. Probably my teaching background helps with that, to be honest. Um, I've noticed that, yeah. Like I don't want to say I can command a room with it, but I can stop when things get out of hand. And I have watched other therapists not being able to do that because of that, I do think I use some of my old teaching tools with that.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, so those I think your personality is suited to that too. I think you're really good at like mitigating, mediating, you know, between people. I try. I try. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, but there are different kinds of of therapy um that also work that I think it just depends on what they're looking for. So those the two that I first talked about are kind of like identity supporting therapy. And then there's emotional regulation um therapy, which I actually think, especially for younger teenagers, is really important.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So emotional regulation um skills um therapy would be something like uh dialectic behavioral therapy. So it's DBT skills. So it does work with distress tolerance, um, opposite actions, interpersonal effectiveness, and then grounding tools. So um for like especially for homes that are like conflict heavy, are really helpful. And then I think it's important to do psychoeducation with parents. And so if you have a therapist who is good at psychoeducation, that would be a helpful, helpful thing. I know I I um I talked about peer support. If someone really wants that, there are peer support groups out there. You can totally check those out. And then um, I think working within the therapy realm, having like restoring predictability. So working with um, I do a lot of parent coaching in this way. So consistent routines and expectations in both homes, giving uh teens age-appropriate control over their schedules and things like that. So I think that having that kind of autonomy is an important thing, and you can really do that really well in therapy. And I also don't think parents are thinking about that because I think they often are like my time, your time, not what's left for the kids. Right.

SPEAKER_03:

So a lot of times the therapist will not talk to the parents, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Because you're you're not HIPAA says you're not a lot too. So that's why I well, like I talked about internal family systems, a huge part of that, and and and you'd have to, everyone would have to be okay with that is you have one therapist who works with everybody. So that it's okay that I would do an individual session with um one parent, an individual session with the other parents, individual sessions with the children, and then doing the group. Okay. So I mean it's a it's a lot of work. If it's high conflict, I think the the a lot of work is is important to do if you have a high conflict divorce. And and realizing what you're going through, even if your kids aren't presenting, they're also going through it too, and they're having their own story, their own narrative. And and I do think that teenage kids often are like, they were fine for so long, it must have been something I'm doing now. You know, and I think that comes up a lot for teenage teenage clients. It's so sad.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

It's true. And so let's these are these are amazing tips because I really believe that a lot of parents, when they're looking for a therapist for their child, they might, they might be aware that their child needs one, um, but they don't think about those very specific types of skills and techniques that you're talking about when they're reviewing like who's gonna be a good therapist for my child. I am such a huge proponent of DBT. I have um one of my children um has an amazing DBT coach that's been life-changing. And I think sometimes um those kinds of things you you need to be trained in that though. Like you can't just say, like, oh, I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_02:

Like sorry, like I'm I'm deep for for instance, I'm keep dbt certified. So you want to look for a clinician that if it is not my main modality anymore, but you do want to look for you do want to look for a therapist who is certified in specific things. Right, right.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. Let's talk about social media and oh yeah. Social media and teens is so much fun. Yeah, yes. So I am listening right now because I wanted to get your opinion for my own personal selfish reasons, Sarah. But for all of our listeners, like tell tell me what your um what your thoughts are about social media and specifically for kids that are going through a transition, like a divorce.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, social media amplifies everything. I mean, like, I could just say that and people will be like, no duh, of course, Sarah. But I think what happens with that is comparison, family and image management, and peer pressure that happens on social media. So teens are seeing families online that look and tech and idealized, and it increases their shame. And after breakups during the parents' divorce, teens might feel like doubly rejected, compounding this abandonment, this fear. And then they also might be starting to seek validation online, often unconsciously. They're not aware that they're doing this as a way to rebuild their shaken identity. So they might be looking for people to validate them because they don't feel like they're getting that from their parents. Um, and I want to say that online communities can be helpful, but also harmful. Like some like normalize pain, others encourage acting out. And I think that we have to look at all aspects of social media and be aware of what our kids are looking at. Divorced parents or not, we have to be aware of what our kids are looking at. And um I think the thing that that I that I've seen a lot of with my clients is a lot of shame when they're looking at other people and their lives look like they're super together and they're feeling like their life falls apart.

SPEAKER_03:

So, how do you recommend that parents know what their kids are looking at? Because especially when we're talking about teenagers, it's one thing to police and monitor for little kids. But when we're talking about teenagers and wanting them to have their own sense of privacy, how do you balance that?

SPEAKER_02:

I think having really specific conversations with kids about it. I mean, everyone should know their kids well enough well enough to know what kind of conversations that they have. So for instance, younger teens, I think this is an important conversation to have, um, especially ones that are seeking validation because they feel like they're left out or they're going through something that no one else is going through. I'm gonna focus right now on um, you know, kids asking for nudes or sexually explicit information and people asking for that. And so I believe it's really important as parents to have very specific conversations about that with our kids because a, I don't think kids understand that any um image that they have of another child who is, you know, unclothed, in a bra, whatever, um, it's considered child pornography. And and and kids need to be aware of that, first of all. If they're being asked for those things, especially from people they don't know, that's a huge red flag. And that happens more often than we realize. So I think by starting the conversation before we think it's possible that that could happen. So even if we're we're younger than 13 years old, I think starting to have those conversations there. When we're talking about older teens continuing those kind of conversations, talking about um, you know, like like we'll we'll talk about, I'll talk about with my clients about having like a like a cleanse, like a social media cleanse, like taking time out. We do, I talk a lot with parents and with teens about having, you know, time restrictions on how much time they're spending on uh social media, um, you know, what's private, what's public, you know, being very, very clear about that. Um, you know, I know that kids do fake accounts. So, you know, FinnS does the things like that. I know like that's probably like 10 years old. So sorry, everybody. When your oldest is almost 25, this is what you're thinking. So um, you know, so I think like, you know, understanding that those things happen and what what that means and just constantly having those conversations. Kids really want rules. Even if they want autonomy, they want rules and they want to know what the rules are because they know that they do way better in life with specific rules. And even if they act out or they act like they're angry, they really need it and they really want it, even if they act that way. So that's those are kind of things. So I think having lots of conversations about social media and what it does. You know, I do a lot of um, I do a lot of work with clients, and and actually I have a few clients who it's happened after divorce in the teenage who've developed eating disorders because they want a sense of control. And so, like for them with specific social media of what they can and cannot look at um is a really important thing because they're often comparing themselves, like, you know, what you eat in a day, what this, you know, all the different kinds of things that that goes on. And I mean, that might be going off a little bit on a tangent on a different tangent. I don't think it is. But I think it's an I think it's important to be aware of those things and also to watch your kids to see what kind of behaviors are changing. And being aware, even though you're going through it, right? Like as a person who has been divorced, I know you're going through it and going through it after a divorce, right? But you st and I know that people are like, of course I'm going to pay attention to my kids. But sometimes it's really hard to pay attention to everything. And these are sometimes small and subtle details. So for instance, if you have a child who all of a sudden um only wants to eat very specific foods and aren't enjoying their favorite foods anymore because they are trying to get a sense of control. They might be learning this from social media too, or they might, it might be partially from, you know, the divorce and wanting, you know, wanting to have that.

SPEAKER_03:

So we all agree. Divorce is emotional. But your financial decisions shouldn't be. I'm Jackie Ressler, certified divorce financial analyst. On this podcast, I help you make smart informed choices about money during divorce. So you can move forward with clarity and confidence. Not sure where to start? Let's talk. Schedule a free 30-minute consultation with me to see if divorce financial planning is the right fit for you. At the end of this episode, you can check on my show notes. There's a link for you to sign up for a free 30-minute consultation. Because financial peace of mind is possible. Okay. Wow, Sarah, this is so much to think about. If you could I want to wrap up on a positive note. If you can think of something that you believe that divorced uh teenagers of divorced people would want their parents to know.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

What would what would one thing be?

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, I have like a l I actually made a list for you. Um because I think it's actually important that that the parents hear this and know this. Okay, whatever you've got, give it to us. Okay. Okay. And these are these are great. And and and I think it's in and I've heard this from kids, and that's where I came up from my list. Okay. So okay. I'm I'm not choosing sides. I'm just trying to survive as a as a as I these are direct quotes from clients I've had. Um, teens hate to feel stuck in the middle or used as leverage. Right. So knowing that. Um kids also, I this is something else one of my clients has says, I hear everything, even when you don't think I do. So arguments, financial stress, emotional heaviness do not go unnoticed by teens. It's different than when you have younger kids. Um I need stability. That's a good one. Thank you. I need stability, but I also need freedom. Teens want structure, but also space to make choices about time, schedule, and transitioning. And this one I I have like a few more, but I think these are this one is really important. I'm grieving too. Yeah. They're not just adjusting to logistics, they are losing the idea of what their family was and what they knew. I love that.

SPEAKER_03:

That's really powerful. Thank you. And that's so true. I mean, as a child of divorced parents, I remember feeling grief. Yeah. So that's true.

SPEAKER_02:

As a divorced person, I think you have to think of your divorce and have grief about it because regardless if you want out of the marriage, you're still grieving what you thought that you were gonna have. You don't go into getting married that you're gonna get divorced. So I think you have to like as a an adult, you have to think about that too.

SPEAKER_03:

Um I think that it's good for parents to recognize that their kids are grieving and not take it personally. That it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be getting divorced and it doesn't mean that they did anything wrong, but just to recognize that your kids are grieving. I I I'm definitely writing that one down.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

And then I have two more. So um your your emotional regulation matters more than your custody plan. So if I could tell parents anything, it's how you are able to handle triggers, anger, and anxiety and set the emotional tone for the well, set it for the family. So if you're able to regulate more effectively, you are going to be way better for your teen.

SPEAKER_01:

That's a great one.

SPEAKER_02:

And then lastly, I've heard this so many times from kids to their parents. Please don't make me your therapist. They want to be kids, not mediators, comforters, or advisors.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. That's a good one. Thanks. Powerful tips, Sarah. Thank you. Thank you so much. I always love having you on the podcast. I love being on. You give such great information. And you also have a podcast. I do. Tell our listeners, please, about your podcast and how they can find more amazing information from you.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you. Um, I do a podcast and it comes out twice a week. It's called The Hardcore Therapist. Um, I love that name. Love it. You can go to my website, The Hardcore Therapist. But um, I'll I I'm in the hardcore punk rock community. So on Fridays, I interview people um from the hardcore and punk rock community about their lives and they tell their story because I think everybody's story is important. But then on Wednesdays, I do a 20, sometimes it could be up to 30 minute, usually 25 is tops. Um, I I take one question from my listeners and I answer it in-depthly. So I spend the entire 20 minutes just answering one question and going through it. So, like my last episode happened to be on menopause and paramenopause. So anyone out there who is experiencing paramenopause and menopause, I have lots of people. I can even look at that one. It's a good one. So that's what I do. Um, it is my favorite thing I do. I love teaching. I miss teaching a lot. So if people are interested at all, I I do do group work as well and do that.

SPEAKER_03:

So yeah, well, I highly recommend that they reach out to you. And thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us, Sarah. Thank you, Jackie. I love being here. It's good. This is always good to see you. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to listen to Divorce Rich Podcast. If you like this podcast, please follow us on Apple or anywhere that you download podcasts and share this link with any friends or family that you think might benefit from this information.

Head Shot

Jacki Roessler, CDFA

Host
Head Shot

Sarah Kuretzky "The Hardcore Therapist"

Guest

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